"Again."
Shit. Shit. No. Not again. "I can't," I whispered back.
"Look at me, Sasha." Andrei paused for me to shift around and meet his eyes. "I'm asking you to do it. You said you'd do anything I asked, didn't you?"
I can play that game too, you know. "You want to go through that again?"
He laughed hard. "But look at you, Sasha. I'm so proud of you." I would have sworn he was the devil himself. "No, I'd rather not, thank you. As you know, it's not a pleasant experience. But I'd love to see you do it."
Shit. I couldn't help sighing hard. "You're completely nuts, Andrei. You know, you remind me of her." ... of Key, of course.
He laughed at the idea. "She used to do the same, didn't she? Yet you never had a problem going after her."
I sighed. "It was different, you know. Just a game, just messing around, nothing serious."
"So, like this. You know, you have to mess it pretty badly for it to turn into something serious."
Shit. "You sound exactly like her, Andrei." Which I had come to think, wasn't exactly a good thing. I had realized they were much more similar than I would have liked to admit.
He managed to keep the grinny mask on, but something in him changed. "That's why you're here isn't it?"
Shit. He was good at words too. You see, it requires a special kind of person to play that game -- to still keep control when you can't really do anything.
"Look at me. You still care too much about everything, Sasha. That boy who would rather be a plant is still there, isn't he?"
I interrupted him. "I care about you, you know."
He closed his eyes, his smile vanishing."You think I don't care about you, boy? ... You know I do." He opened his eyes again, but the sea had frozen. "That doesn't mean I can't get over it and do what I have to."
I couldn't help hugging him.
"You think it doesn't hurt? Huh? Well, news flash, yes it does. I care about you more than you seem to think, Sasha. But I can't -- I won't let that stop me from doing what's necessary. I need you to do the same. To get over yourself and do what you have to do. Kill that kid already. Take my hand, I'll be your guide on the road to hell."
"You don't get it. I'd rather die than hurt you."
He sighed, almost giving up. "You're an idiot. I don't deserve that, you know. I deserve everything you can throw at me and then some. And you know it."
"So what."
He sighed again. "Okay. Oh-kay. Help me with the cuffs, will you?"
I quickly freed him, and he rushed to hug me. "I'm sorry, Sasha. I know I'm being hard on you. I just... You care too damn much about everything. You can't afford that in this place. You're too nice, don't you see?"
"I just care about you, that's it. I'm trying to get over myself with the targets, I swear. But--"
"But it's not the same with me." He pushed me back to look into my eyes. "Question. And be honest. They -- the US, the wolves, a madman, whatever. They get us both. They soon realize I'm not saying shit, so they turn to you. And of course they're not idiots so they try to get you by hurting me. Badly. The wolves can be worse than me. Anyway. What do you do."
I sighed. "There's no point in fighting if you're not gonna make it."
"Sasha that's--" Treason.
"I know. But once you're not here, who's gonna fight your war? Me? What's even the point? They've won. So, live to fight the next battle. Rather than die and lose the war."
He sighed. "Had you ever thought of that?"
I couldn't help laughing. "It's what Key used to say. No point in dying needlessly."
"Well, I guess she had a point. Anyway. Look at me." As if I could look anywhere else -- he was about a foot in front of me, and still held me in a loose hug. "What do you want, Sasha."
I closed my eyes. "I want to be here. I like the place, I like the job. I want to be with you."
"Yet you're too damn nice to be here, Sasha. Don't you see. Not everyone is meant for this job. Not everybody can." He knew exactly what he was saying, of course. "Are you sure you want this? Because, if you do, then I have to tell you, the test is not over."
I dove again into his chest. "Don't let me go. I know I still have a long way ahead, but don't let me go."
"Look at me, Sasha." He waited for me to shift back. "What does that mean. Do you realize what it means? It's not just literal, is it?"
"I told you. Take me. Take my soul. Take everything. But don't let me go."
He hauled me aside with a half-smirk in his eyes, and went to search for something in his jacket.
He came back with two guns -- his lucky roulette revolver, and the fully loaded pistol for when he actually had to shot at something -- or someone. He carelessly spun the revolver's cylinder, and briefly closed his eyes before closing it, then he shoved it into my hand, before sitting by my side.
"Now, Sasha. This is a test. So, don't you fail me. I swear I don't know where the jackpot is." He pointed at the revolver with his chin. "Point it at my head and pull the trigger."
No. No I can't. You know well I can't.
He shifted closer to me and let the pistol's barrel rest against my temple. "Or else."
I looked into his eyes. It was like looking at a frozen sea. A vast plain of emptiness. "I can't."
"Well, I swear I can and will. So, one in six, or your life. Choose carefully." He wasn't trying to hide anything anymore, it was obvious that he didn't want to, that he'd regret it. And that knowing all that wouldn't stop him.
I closed my eyes. Shit. Did I have a choice? One in six wasn't that bad, was it?
Click.
I opened my eyes to find back his smile, the sea thawed and gleaming. The revolver scurried through my hands as a live animal. It fell to the tiled floor with a clatter. I couldn't bring myself to smile. I was still trapped in a mind loop, fully realizing what could've happened.
So he hugged me again, hard, almost taking my breath away. "Well done, Sasha. I'm proud of you."
"You're completely nuts, you know." I managed to say.
"Look who's talking." He laughed.
"Do you realize what you've done, Andrei?" I sighed. "How it feels?" I felt sick. Almost physically. Knowing that he could kill me was no news, but still hurt. But realizing... realizing I could have lost him... Fuck. No. I hugged him harder.
"I'm sorry, Sasha. Yes I know. I'm just trying to help. You need to let go, to get over your nonsense."
"Well, it only made me realize how next time I'm not doing it, and to hell with everything. I swear, I'd rather die."
"You can be such a drama queen, boy. One in six is--"
"You can't understand, can you?"
He sighed. Yes, he could. But he couldn't explain. He finally pulled back from the bear hug and looked into my eyes. "What are you willing to do, then." There was a hint of sadness behind his half-smile.
I sighed hard. "Anything that doesn't involve risking your life, you reckless fool."
He lightened up. "Okay, so let me see that." He reached for the handcuffs again, and threw them at me. "Will you help?"
"Why are you doing this."
"You said anything, didn't you?"
I sighed as I helped him, gently restraining his wrists behind his back.
He leaned back, looking at me, a playful grin in his eyes. "Okay, Sasha. Show me your worst. Make me regret this decision. Make me stop you."
I looked at him. My worst. So, tell me. How much do you care? Enough? I couldn't help grinning as I reached for his pistol and took it to my temple. "I've told you I'd rather die than hurt you. Stop me, or I swear I'll pull the trigger."
He laughed, but I could clearly see behind the mask. He did care. More than enough. "You're a cheating bastard, Sasha."
"Yeah. Now stop me."
He had a sad smirk in his eyes, not fully covering the realization that he, too, would do anything for me. "Okay, you win. Don't do that. Stop it, Sasha. And help me with the cuffs, will you?"
I tossed the gun onto the bedside table and hugged him once more, diving into his chest like a fish that's been a bit too long out of the life-giving water.
