Last Stand (4) - Fall

"Again."

Shit. Shit. No. Not again. "I can't," I whispered back.

"Look at me, Sasha." Andrei paused for me to shift around and meet his eyes. "I'm asking you to do it. You said you'd do anything I asked, didn't you?"

I can play that game too, you know. "You want to go through that again?"

He laughed hard. "But look at you, Sasha. I'm so proud of you." I would have sworn he was the devil himself. "No, I'd rather not, thank you. As you know, it's not a pleasant experience. But I'd love to see you do it."

Shit. I couldn't help sighing hard. "You're completely nuts, Andrei. You know, you remind me of her." ...  of Key, of course.

He laughed at the idea. "She used to do the same, didn't she? Yet you never had a problem going after her."

I sighed. "It was different, you know. Just a game, just messing around, nothing serious."

"So, like this. You know, you have to mess it pretty badly for it to turn into something serious."

Shit. "You sound exactly like her, Andrei." Which I had come to think, wasn't exactly a good thing. I had realized they were much more similar than I would have liked to admit.

He managed to keep the grinny mask on, but something in him changed. "That's why you're here isn't it?"

Shit. He was good at words too. You see, it requires a special kind of person to play that game -- to still keep control when you can't really do anything.

"Look at me. You still care too much about everything, Sasha. That boy who would rather be a plant is still there, isn't he?"

I interrupted him. "I care about you, you know."

He closed his eyes, his smile vanishing."You think I don't care about you, boy? ... You know I do." He opened his eyes again, but the sea had frozen. "That doesn't mean I can't get over it and do what I have to."

I couldn't help hugging him.

"You think it doesn't hurt? Huh? Well, news flash, yes it does. I care about you more than you seem to think, Sasha. But I can't -- I won't let that stop me from doing what's necessary. I need you to do the same. To get over yourself and do what you have to do. Kill that kid already. Take my hand, I'll be your guide on the road to hell."

"You don't get it. I'd rather die than hurt you."

He sighed, almost giving up. "You're an idiot. I don't deserve that, you know. I deserve everything you can throw at me and then some. And you know it."

"So what."

He sighed again. "Okay. Oh-kay. Help me with the cuffs, will you?"

I quickly freed him, and he rushed to hug me. "I'm sorry, Sasha. I know I'm being hard on you. I just... You care too damn much about everything. You can't afford that in this place. You're too nice, don't you see?"

"I just care about you, that's it. I'm trying to get over myself with the targets, I swear. But--"

"But it's not the same with me." He pushed me back to look into my eyes. "Question. And be honest. They -- the US, the wolves, a madman, whatever. They get us both. They soon realize I'm not saying shit, so they turn to you. And of course they're not idiots so they try to get you by hurting me. Badly. The wolves can be worse than me. Anyway. What do you do."

I sighed. "There's no point in fighting if you're not gonna make it."

"Sasha that's--" Treason.

"I know. But once you're not here, who's gonna fight your war? Me? What's even the point? They've won. So, live to fight the next battle. Rather than die and lose the war."

He sighed. "Had you ever thought of that?"

I couldn't help laughing. "It's what Key used to say. No point in dying needlessly."

"Well, I guess she had a point. Anyway. Look at me." As if I could look anywhere else -- he was about a foot in front of me, and still held me in a loose hug. "What do you want, Sasha."

I closed my eyes. "I want to be here. I like the place, I like the job. I want to be with you."

"Yet you're too damn nice to be here, Sasha. Don't you see. Not everyone is meant for this job. Not everybody can." He knew exactly what he was saying, of course. "Are you sure you want this? Because, if you do, then I have to tell you, the test is not over."

I dove again into his chest. "Don't let me go. I know I still have a long way ahead, but don't let me go."

"Look at me, Sasha." He waited for me to shift back. "What does that mean. Do you realize what it means? It's not just literal, is it?"

"I told you. Take me. Take my soul. Take everything. But don't let me go."

He hauled me aside with a half-smirk in his eyes, and went to search for something in his jacket.

He came back with two guns -- his lucky roulette revolver, and the fully loaded pistol for when he actually had to shot at something -- or someone. He carelessly spun the revolver's cylinder, and briefly closed his eyes before closing it, then he shoved it into my hand, before sitting by my side.

"Now, Sasha. This is a test. So, don't you fail me. I swear I don't know where the jackpot is." He pointed at the revolver with his chin. "Point it at my head and pull the trigger."

No. No I can't. You know well I can't.

He shifted closer to me and let the pistol's barrel rest against my temple. "Or else."

I looked into his eyes. It was like looking at a frozen sea. A vast plain of emptiness. "I can't."

"Well, I swear I can and will. So, one in six, or your life. Choose carefully." He wasn't trying to hide anything anymore, it was obvious that he didn't want to, that he'd regret it. And that knowing all that wouldn't stop him.

I closed my eyes. Shit. Did I have a choice? One in six wasn't that bad, was it?

Click.

I opened my eyes to find back his smile, the sea thawed and gleaming. The revolver scurried through my hands as a live animal. It fell to the tiled floor with a clatter. I couldn't bring myself to smile. I was still trapped in a mind loop, fully realizing what could've happened.

So he hugged me again, hard, almost taking my breath away. "Well done, Sasha. I'm proud of you."

"You're completely nuts, you know." I managed to say.

"Look who's talking." He laughed.

"Do you realize what you've done, Andrei?" I sighed. "How it feels?" I felt sick. Almost physically. Knowing that he could kill me was no news, but still hurt. But realizing... realizing I could have lost him... Fuck. No. I hugged him harder.

"I'm sorry, Sasha. Yes I know. I'm just trying to help. You need to let go, to get over your nonsense."

"Well, it only made me realize how next time I'm not doing it, and to hell with everything. I swear, I'd rather die."

"You can be such a drama queen, boy. One in six is--"

"You can't understand, can you?"

He sighed. Yes, he could. But he couldn't explain. He finally pulled back from the bear hug and looked into my eyes. "What are you willing to do, then." There was a hint of sadness behind his half-smile.

I sighed hard. "Anything that doesn't involve risking your life, you reckless fool."

He lightened up. "Okay, so let me see that." He reached for the handcuffs again, and threw them at me. "Will you help?"

"Why are you doing this."

"You said anything, didn't you?"

I sighed as I helped him, gently restraining his wrists behind his back.

He leaned back, looking at me, a playful grin in his eyes. "Okay, Sasha. Show me your worst. Make me regret this decision. Make me stop you."

I looked at him. My worst. So, tell me. How much do you care? Enough? I couldn't help grinning as I reached for his pistol and took it to my temple. "I've told you I'd rather die than hurt you. Stop me, or I swear I'll pull the trigger."

He laughed, but I could clearly see behind the mask. He did care. More than enough. "You're a cheating bastard, Sasha."

"Yeah. Now stop me."

He had a sad smirk in his eyes, not fully covering the realization that he, too, would do anything for me. "Okay, you win. Don't do that. Stop it, Sasha. And help me with the cuffs, will you?"

I tossed the gun onto the bedside table and hugged him once more, diving into his chest like a fish that's been a bit too long out of the life-giving water.

Last Stand (3) - War

The door locked behind us as I followed Andrei through a narrow corridor to the bedroom. He sat carelessly on the bed, patting at his side so I'd follow -- so I did. He patted my shoulder. "You care too much about everyone, Sasha. Let go. Let go already."

"I swear I'm trying. It's just..."

"It looks worse than it is." He looked into my eyes. "Say, do you know how it feels? Have you ever tried that one?"

I shook my head. I knew where this was going -- and I welcomed it.

"Would it help? Do you want to?"

"Do it."

He grinned widely. His excitement was obvious, but it wasn't filled with cruelty this time. He pushed me to lay onto the bed, and gently put the bag around my head, not yet covering it. "Do you trust me, Sasha?"

I couldn't help smiling. "With my own life."

He laughed at my words while holding my hands with a vice-like grip, before closing the bag, leaving very little air on it.

I immediately felt the low oxygen, the plastic clinging to my skin as I breathed in. I could see a hint of his gleamy eyes behind the light plastic, so I focused on that. This was nothing else than another test, and even though I had seen what the body does when in dire need of air, I was still willing to try to maintain control as long as possible.

Yet Andrei always knows how to get you by surprise. He pulled me up into his arms, my hands still trapped in his, and started talking softly into my covered ear. "How does it feel, Sasha?"

"It's... obvious there's little oxygen." I fought hard against the urge to tear it off.

"Let go. You can't win this." And he twisted my hands.

The unexpected pain made me snap, took all my self control away, and I started thrashing around. Except he held me tight, so I couldn't really move. My body wanted to fight, my every cell wanted to fight. Air. You don't know how hard can you miss it 'till you lack it. Yet there was nothing I could do, but to panic. And so I panicked hard, my brain ignoring the part of me that knew well that nothing bad would actually happen.

...

I opened my eyes to see him hovering over me, softly caressing my cheek. "Wake up, Sasha. I'm here. It's okay. I'm here."

I closed them again and hugged him, hard. I had passed out, I realized. I finally looked at him. "It's worse than it looks."

He laughed. "Yeah, I know. Say, do you want to try again?"

I looked at him, understanding. Realizing where this was going. "How. How can you do it."

He leaned even closer to me. "Do you want me to explain?"

In a moment of madness, I nodded.

He got up and went to search for some handcuffs, while I sat on the bed, uneasy, my heart beating hard. Could I? Shit. I knew I had to. He finally found them, managed to put them on with his hands on his back, and almost dived into the bed, grinning like a madman. "Well, you know what to do."

I stared at him. I couldn't. "You haven't explained anything, you know."

His smirk was cold and calculated. "Okay, okay. Say, how does it feel? To have everything in your hands? Feel it, Sasha. How does it feel to have me completely at your mercy?"

SHIT. I couldn't help sighing. "I... I can't do this." I crawled closer to him, almost hovering over him. "But I... I need to know. Say, what's the worst you could do? To me?"

"You know me. Do I really need to tell you?"

I nodded. "Yes. Yes, I want to hear it."

He seemed to think of it, still grinning, more of a mask than the real thing. "Well... that depends on what you've done."

"Your worst."

His grin vanished for a moment, only the cold, frozen sea remained behind. "Well... If you were to betray me... I won't lie to you -- I'll make you regret it. I won't have mercy on you just for being you. I... haven't really thought what would take to break you, but... I'll find it, rest assured of it." He finally let a hint of a smile show up in his eyes. "But I'm sure you're not the kind of idiot who gets there, Sasha."

No, of course not. And of course this wasn't news. But that didn't make it hurt any less. I knew--I knew well he cared. Yet he was a heartless madman -- who wouldn't think twice about hurting me. I sighed, hard. "You know, I can't do even this. When I know there's no risk involved. How? How do you do it?"

He sighed. "Look at me, Sasha. Didn't you say you'd do anything I asked? Well, then let go of your nonsense and put that damned bag over my head already."

I looked into his eyes. Have you ever seen the Void in the sea? ... I knew I had to. So I did. I sat on his belly so he couldn't move, and I gently put the bag over his head, tying the rim just airtight.

He still had that grin of his. "Now, Sasha. Feel it. How does it feel, huh? ... Let go. Don't take it out before I faint, or I'll ask you to do it again. Deal?"

I nodded, uneasy. It didn't feel as he thought it did. I knew well it was a test. I knew well what he was doing, and it only made it all the more distressing.

He ignored my expression, of course. "Well, that is, unless you want to do it again. Then go ahead, take it off before."

Goddamned bastard.

"You know what? Do it, Sasha. Do it. Make that decision for yourself."

... "So what if I indeed do it. Huh?"

He grinned harder, trying hard to keep control of his body, which had already started screaming for air. "Wait. No. You can do it again if you want, but don't stop. Feel it. Let go of the nonsense and feel it." He closed his eyes as his breath rate skyrocketed.

I reached for his heart -- much easier to find the pulse than in the neck, honestly. It was racing too. Shit. What if you have a heart attack, you fool. You aren't a teen anymore, you know.

But I waited, 'till it was quite obvious that he was unconscious -- his body still fighting, but his mind had given up. I quickly tore the bag off of his head. His breath soon was back to normal, his heart beating fast but not as if it wanted to jump out of his chest. I couldn't find the words, so I just petted his cheek, softly, caring.

He finally opened his eyes -- a couple seconds of a disoriented stare, followed by an extra wide grin, a playful gleam in his eyes that made me want to drown in them.

I hugged him, hard. He took the chance to whisper in my ear. "Again."

Last Stand (2) - Road to hell

It was early evening when we arrived at the safe house. A small apartment in a decrepit residential building, it looked completely ordinary from the outside. But upon opening the door, white-tiled walls and floor, and a harsh light, greeted you -- the standard furnishings of Andrei's safe rooms. The living room had been repurposed into an interrogation room, walls fully soundproofed. The only other door from the room seemed locked.
The target --the teen girl-- was sitting in a corner, black lines of teary mascara painting her cheeks. She looked at me. "Please, I haven't--"

Andrei cut her off. "Shut up." He grabbed a folding chair and put it in the middle of the room. "Sit here. NOW."

If I hadn't been on his side, I'd have been sincerely scared.

The girl was shaking as she got up and dragged herself to the chair. "Please..." Her voice trailed off, broken, shattered in the knowledge that her pleads were in vain.

Andrei quickly tied her to the chair -- she didn't even try to put up a struggle. She knew too well, fighting was, in the best case, a useless thing to do.

I took a second chair and sat in front of her. She most definitely wasn't eighteen. Oh, well. "Look... Do you know him?"

She nodded, a hint of hope showing up in her eyes.

I couldn't help smiling. "Then you know what's going to happen, don't you?"

"Please... I haven't done anything, I swear..."

"Honey, I don't get to decide what happens."

She swallowed, a nervous tear painting yet another black trail in her cheek, her voice slightly shaky. "One day you'll make a mistake and he'll go after you too."

"But honey, what do you think you know about me, huh?"

She pushed further, hopeful that it would lead her somewhere safe. Safer, anyway. "You think you're safe. You think you're different. You think it won't happen to you."

I laughed out loud. "Nope. I know well what you're talking about. I know him really well. I know well what he does. Like, firsthand. You see... He took everything I had. The only person I really cared about. She was my everything." ... Well. To a point, I guess.

She seemed shocked. "What happened?"

I forced a smile, trying to hide the dull ache. It still hurt like hell. "I killed her. You see, it was the price for being here. With Andrei. I like this place, this job. So, before you ask, yeah, it was worth it." ... Was it? ... Shit.

She looked down, maybe understanding. "Please, I did nothing..."

I was expecting Andrei to tell her to shut up, but he walked to her, grabbing her chin so she had to look at him. "You're a lying bitch."

She closed her eyes, terrified. "Please..."

"Open your eyes, damn it!" He grinned when they again made eye contact. "Why not tell him the truth, huh? Why not tell him why you're here?" He stepped away.

She started mumbling again. "Please... you have to understand..."

Again I sat in front of her. "I'll try, but you have to tell me your story."

"He set me up. I swear, he did--"

I smiled at her. "It's called a test. He does that, every single time. And I'm guessing you failed."

"Look, he... sent me to deliver a message. To a guy. But he wasn't there, there was another guy instead, who told me he worked for him. Showed me an ID card and everything. And I... was stupid enough to fall for it."

Andrei stepped in again. "You're skipping the part where you knew he was with the wolves. And the part where, instead of delivering the message, you started telling him everything you know, in hopes--"

"I swear--"

"Don't you interrupt me. I'm sick of your lies. That guy does work for me, of course he told me everything you did. What the hell were you expecting, anyway. A way out? Help from the wolves? You want to see how they help you? Don't worry, I'll send you there so you can check for yourself." He looked at me. "Sasha. Carve her face." He threw a folding knife at me.

I didn't -- couldn't say anything. I grabbed the knife and sliced an X on her cheek.

She cried in silence the whole time -- which considering how much it hurts, said a lot about her.

Andrei had that grin of his when I finished. "You're a damned snitch." He circled her, threateningly placing his hands on her shoulders. "Sasha, what do you think would be the fair thing to do, huh?"

I sighed. "Well... fair, fair... if we do this legally, I think we can charge her with treason. I honestly don't know how many years that is, but, I'd guess a good handful."

Andrei laughed at the silly idea. "That's a really good one, yeah. But I didn't mean that, you know, I don't really believe in the system, she'd be out way too soon. Plus... prison is like vacation. It can be annoying, sure, but it's not what I'd call a fair punishment."

She started sobbing and mumbling nonsensically.

Andrei ignored it and went on. "Say, girl, do you know what they used to do with the likes of you? Huh? What the mob still does?" He shifted his hands, immobilizing her, glancing at me. "Sasha, do you know what I'm talking about?"

I nodded as I leaned closer to her, putting up a smiley mask. "They make sure they shut up. Now, you can waste everybody's time trying to resist, of you can cooperate and I'll make it quick." I took the knife to her lips. "Open up. Don't make it harder than it has to be."

I still had to 'help', kinda prying her jaws open with the knife. I let the edge rest against the base of her tongue and looked at Andrei, expecting him to stop it. He'd say not to do anything that couldn't be patched up, after all.

"Do it."

Her cries echoed around as the knife hacked off her tongue. Andrei was fast to shove her forward before she chocked on her own blood. Still, she coughed, hard, red. I quickly found a rag and shoved it into her mouth, forcing it closed. The pressure would help in stopping the blood. She kept wailing the whole time, the shrieking sound muffled by the improvised gag.

It took a good five minutes 'till it kinda stopped -- stopped gushing furiously and started flowing lazily, anyway. I grabbed her bloody chin and made her look into my eyes smiling. "Sorry, gal. But you know how this works. I can't exactly say no, you know."

Andrei grinned at me. "Cut that crap, Sasha, you're here out of your own will." Then he circled her so she could look into his eyes, into the Void. He crouched before her, gently brushing her chin, her bloody throat, with his fingertips. "Now, girl, that's what everyone would do to a snitch. But, we're still missing the part where you betrayed me."

SHIT.

He kept talking. "Or you thought I wouldn't mind? Huh?" He stepped back and handed me a plastic bag. "Sasha. Show her what we do."

I couldn't help sighing, maybe a bit too hard, too obviously, as I took the bag. I looked at her -- the poor thing. She'd had more than enough. But it wasn't my job to decide what happened. I placed the bag over her head and closed it around her neck, just tight enough to make it airtight.

Andrei had been staring at me the whole time. He hugged me from the back, forcing me to take a step back, his voice a low hum that she couldn't hear. "Hey, Sasha. What's wrong, huh? You still worry about her, don't you?"

I put the mask on yet again. "I'm doing everything you ask, without any kind of hesitation."

"Yes, and you're missing the point. You have everything, Sasha. You have her life, her soul, in your hands. Feel it! Enjoy that feeling, boy!"

Shit. I couldn't find the words anymore. Yes, power was a drug, a cheap high. But I knew too well what I was doing to be able to look past it.

"Why do you care so much, huh?" He released me and went to undo the twist and take the bag off her head. She was already unconscious. He ignored it and went to unlock the door to the rest of the flat, signing at me to follow him.

Last Stand (1) - Resolution

"I'm proud of you, Sasha."

We were relaxing a bit after the busy morning, lying in the couch in the safe room beside Andrei's office. Lately, I seemed to always find myself diving into his chest, safe in his arms. That's probably the reason he noticed the soft chill that ran down my spine.

"You're still not used to it, are you?"

"It's gonna take a while. After so many years, it feels weird." ... It felt weird being called a different thing. You see, the whole 'Sandy' thing started when the guys didn't realize in English it's usually a girl's name. It had stuck long before they realized it, and then they found it so funny that it became almost an inside joke. I've never really cared either way -- in fact, it felt nice to finally forget the old days of instructors from hell calling me by my actual name.

He smiled at me. "Do you like it?"

I smiled back. "Yeah. ... You know, you were right, it was about time to move on."

He started softly rubbing my arm for an answer. "You know, I never thought I'd end up like this. Caring for someone, I mean."

"Maybe nobody gave you the chance."

He laughed softly at the suggestion. "Maybe. But maybe that's because I don't deserve it. ... You're different, Sasha. You did."

"Everybody deserves a chance."

"Not everybody thinks like you, you know. I, for one, don't think I deserve you."

We sat in silence for a while. I was too focused on feeling his warmth, on drowning in the sea -- a sea of madness. Maybe he was right. I couldn't have cared less. He could have been the devil himself, and nothing would have changed.

After a while, he broke the silence. "What do you want. I mean, I had something for you, but after this morning..."

Have I said we had had a busy morning?

I looked into his eyes, and realized the answer. "I want more."

He grinned at my words. "That's my boy." He paused for a moment. "Sorry. I know you hate that one. But, it's not easy for me to not call you that, Sasha. You're still so young."

I couldn't help smirking. "I don't really care what you call me, Andrei."

He patted my arm again, understanding. "So... yeah, I had a file for you. A sort of a test, if you wish."

"Show me."

He reached for the tablet that was conveniently placed on the side table and quickly found the file. "Here."

I eyed it. A girl -- the file said she was eighteen but I would have said less. "Goal?"

"The goal is not exactly to send a message, but... well, to give her a message."

Oh-kay. Well, shit.

He looked at me. "You can say no, and I'll give you some other file, you know."

"No, no, it's fine. I have to do this. For myself."

He grinned at my answer. "Good."

"Anyway, any red lines?"

"Actually, yes. I don't really care what you do, but make sure the doctors can fix it. ... Well, you'll be following orders, so I may step over the line a bit. But, other than that... make sure they can patch her back up."

Shit. "Understood." I totally saw where this was going. ... He had said it was a test, after all.