Sometimes... Memories are the worst form of torture.There was no other way, I'm sure of that. But that doesn't make it hurt any less, that won't make me forget the hardest decision of my life, nor its consequences. How could I possibly forget.
Things were already bad, Key had never been the same since... what happened with John. But still, life kept going on, like that old car which just refuses to stop working.
I guess the point of no return was when I went to see Andrei after a random job. We were in the safe room, discussing... whatever. I... no. It was not a mistake.
"I got a question, Andrei."
He just looked into my eyes. He already knew what I was going to say.
"So... why didn't I got a ring?"
Now, let me explain. The ring is, simply put, a control device, essentially a miniature taser. So far, nothing new under the sun - every one of the big players have been using similar devices since they managed to make them small enough to implant. Oh, yes. Same as you can put a comms chip under the skin, you can put one of those things. Again, nothing new.
But this one has two characteristics that set it apart from the other versions. First, it's more powerful, it can easily knock you out. And second, it's a ring, wrapped around the spine, somehow locked. Once in, there's no way to remove it.
Andrei looked at me, baffled. "Sandy. I've told you. I trust you. There's no point in..."
"Okay. But. Hypothetically. What if I asked you?"
"You're not speaking hypothetically, Sandy." He sighed loudly. "Look, boy. There's no point, I've told you."
"But what if..."
"Stop it. What the hell is wrong with you, Sandy. Why on earth would you ask for that?"
"You know the answer."
"Yes. You keep trying to hide behind the lies. You keep telling yourself that you have no other options than to do what I say. You keep wanting that to be true, Sandy. You keep wanting to get hurt so you can't change your mind." He smiled sadly, then woke up and went to a cabinet. He came back with a gun.
"Tell me to stop." He pointed the gun at my head.
I closed my eyes for a moment before calling his bluff. "You're not doing that."
He grabbed my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes. "Are you sure, Sandy? ... Tell me to stop."
My racing heart almost betrayed my smile. "Yes, I'm sure. You want me to believe you? ... Then do something that's believable, at least." ... I was a sure as one can be with him, which is not a lot.
He sighed deeply as he lowered the gun, pointed it at my stomach. "Okay. This won't kill you, but it will send you to the hospital for a while. A vacation, if you wish." His eyes were glistening. "Now, tell me to stop."
I couldn't possibly answer. Guess he was right, I had made up my mind and just wanted to fit in, do anything he asked... no matter the price.
He sighed, almost exasperated. "Okay. Ask me to do it, then."
Shit. No. Shit. A million times shit.
He looked into my eyes, trying hard to appear cold. "Sandy, You want me to do it?"
"N-No..." I barely managed to stutter.
"Then stop me."
"I won't." I was dead serious. Guess I thought it was the only thing I had. His trust. I could not fail a test.
"Shit, kid. What the hell is wrong with you?! ... Okay. Oh-kay." He got up and went to find something in the cabinets. "You know... where the hell is this shit now?... Sandy, I'm not putting a ring on you, you silly. But I may have something for you. If I manage to find it in here, that is. Damn. Where the hell did I leave it?"
He kept searching and cursing for a while. I just looked at him, amused. It was a sight to see. The man who never got carried away, cursing to himself 'cause he couldn't find something.
"Aha. Here it is." He finally came back to the couch. "You want yet another reminder? Here. Be happy." He handed me a thick steel chain and a padlock.
It was something, I guess. "Okay. Do it."
I felt the cold steel against my nape, slowly circling my neck. A shiver ran down my spine as I noticed his warm hands, unintentionally caressing my skin. Of course I was scared, terrified of the memories of his hands giving away ominous hints, but... there was something else. A high that left me breathless.
He threaded the lock through the chain ends, and then stepped back. "I'm not gonna do this Sandy. You're not a dog, boy. This is..."
I toyed with the lock for a couple seconds. "Where are the keys."
"Somewhere in here. It's taken me at least ten minutes to find the chains, you expect me to try and search for the keys? ... Not going to happen." But his smile betrayed his words.
I gently took his warm hand, wrapped it around the still open lock. I froze in a high as his fingertips brushed my throat. "Do it."
He tried to make it harder. A test. I closed my eyes as he leaned onto me. His voice turned into an eerie whisper, I could feel his warm breath hitting my ear. "Beg for it."
My heart went into a frenzy. I was both terrified and thrilled at the same time. I tried in vain to steady my shaky voice. "Please... Andrei... Please, close it..."
And I heard the click. I opened my eyes to see the keys dangling before my eyes, his playful smile behind them.
"I don't want them, you know." I smiled.
"Well, I'm not having them. Hide them here if you want, I don't care what you do. But I'm telling you - if I find them, I'll leave them in your bedside table."
"No. You keep them."
He sighed, but stashed them in one of his pockets. "You're nuts, Sandy."
"Look who's talking." I smirked.
He handed me a black flier. A VIP card, and free pass, to one of his clubs. "Here, go have some fun."
Shit. "You know, I..."
"You want to be free from yourself, to get over that inner voice of yours? ... Have some fun. Break the rules. There will be no consequences this time, Sandy."
I looked at him. Shit. Another test. I hated those. I've never liked harming innocent people.
"Or don't. Be nice if you want. I won't keep an eye on you, boy. Do whatever the hell you want."
I kept staring into his eyes. "We both know, if I break the rules, you'll hear about it. So..."
He interrupted me. "Okay, then. Don't break the rules. But have fun, will you?" Another push forward, hoping I would finally admit I didn't do it all for him, but for myself, hoping he wouldn't have to tell me what to do anymore.
Yet he didn't really leave me a choice about going to the club, so there I went.
