The rain came falling down, unaware of my pain and despair, washing away the blood on my hands and the faith in my heart.The blood that could never be washed, and the faith that was never there. I looked into the gray sky, letting the rain soak me, drown me. The war was lost, there was nothing left to fight for. That was the worst. Losing him was bad enough, but losing my own war....
Tears came to my eyes once more, melting with the rain, and I knelt before his grave. I couldn't care less about the puddles forming. All I cared about was now dead. All hope gone. There was nothing left to do, nothing to fight for. No hope of winning any new battle.
That was clear from the beginning, but I guess I've always been too damn stubborn to accept defeat. To not fight 'till there's nothing left to lose. Especially when apparently, the only thing to lose is myself. But I was wrong. I had lost much more. Not only all hope, but also my best friend. The only thing I would have happily given everything for.
I sat on top of the grave, unable to put any thought in order, the nightmare flashing over and over before my eyes. I let the pain surround me, drown me in tears. It was the worst kind - the one that rips your heart, never to heal again. I lay down on the cold stone, face up, letting the rain vainly try to wash it away.
- - -
The soft moon glow cast faint shadows into the darkness, when distant footsteps stirred me in my nightmarish sleep. I gasped for air as I relieved his death for like the hundredth time. Seconds later, I realized what had awoken me. I sat, trying hard to find the origin of the noise. The heavy rain drowned most of it.
I waited, uneasy. Nobody should know I'm here, I thought. Well, where else would I be. Moments later, a hooded shadow appeared on the path. I stared at it, chilled from the rain that had been soaking me since hours ago. It could only be one of two people.
Sandy, who had looked the other way. I guess that was to be expected, he had finally gotten over himself, and that meant... not giving a damn. Not even about me. It didn't make it hurt any less, no matter that I should have felt proud of him. But I couldn't. The pain was too strong, and my heart kept telling me he could have stopped it - and saved me.
Or the bastard who brought me here. Please, no. Not him. Not again.
I didn't want to talk to any of them.
The figure kept creeping ever closer. I closed my eyes. I couldn't just walk away. That would be too obvious, would get me nowhere. I turned around, foolishly trying to avoid that moment's fate.
The footsteps grew steadily louder, and suddenly I was not there. I was back in the cell, hugging his dead body. Broken. Shattered into a million pieces.
The shadow's voice brought me back to reality. "Hey."
I closed my eyes, and tried to sink them in my hands, as he kept walking to me, 'till he sat by my side. I had another flash of John, this time whimpering in pain as I stared, too stubborn to... Shit.
A hand in my shoulder brought me back into reality. A chill went down my spine, even though I knew who it was. I had nothing to fear... did I?
"Hey. It's okay. It's over. I know... I know all too well how much it can hurt. But soaking yourself to the bones won't make the pain go away. Lying on his grave won't bring him back."
I looked into his eyes, and I saw the kid he once was. The one that would be no more, that was now dead. That had let this happen. And my heart broke again, knowing all too well it was my fault. I taught him to appreciate work. I brought him back one too many times. I offered him a position here. With that bastard. And now, Sandy was not that kid anymore.
Yet his eyes were still the same as he hugged me. "I'm sorry, Key. I..."
I cried on his shoulder for the first time. Knowing I had lost him too. And it dawned on me. That was the worst of it all.
