The Girl (6) - Conscience

I almost felt relieved when Kolya came and greeted me as if I was an old friend who he hadn't seen in ages. I mean – him being here wasn't exactly good news, the reason for his visit being too obvious. But at the moment it seemed better than having to laugh at the girl's mean jokes about literally everyone.

“Yeah, yeah, long time no see, man! Let me invite you to a beer!” I greeted him too.

As the bartender served us both beers, he pulled me aside from the girls so they couldn't hear us. His voice was barely audible below the obnoxiously loud music, but crystal clear to my ears. “Sandy. What the hell are you doing.” At least he was trying to not draw any attention.

I played dumb. “Man, you've seen me smoking countless times!”

“Sandy, you know what I mean. That girl is sixteen at most.”

I looked at him in the eyes. “Your point being?”

“Jesus, Sandy. Are you serious? You don't even care?”

“I wouldn't be here if I did, would I?”

He got closer to me. “Where's that kid who would rather be in an office than do actual work, Sandy. Where's that guy who would rather become a plant than... hurt anyone.”

“Dead.”

“And who killed him.” His idea of a correct answer was painfully obvious. And kinda wrong.

“I did.”

Kolya took a long gulp from his beer, trying to hide his... aversion to what I had become. Then he looked at me, his eyes full of bitterness. “You'll do anything he asks, won't you?”

I smirked at him. “Yes.”

“Why. And don't you tell me it's because you're doing her a favor.”

“Oh, but I am. Am I not? … You know him. You know what happens if I don't do this. He'll take care of it himself.”

“So what. To hell with the devil. Save yourself.”

“It doesn't work like that.”

He sighed hard and took another sip of beer. “I don't know why the hell I keep trying. I should have figured you don't have a heart anymore. Especially after what you did...” His voice trailed off, but it was obvious what he meant. To Key.

Damned bastard. I took a long gulp of beer too. You think it doesn't hurt? You think I'll ever get over it? … Yes, it was the price to pay, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. Still. It was not the moment to let him know. He knew already, and I still had a job to do, and looks like someone to mess with. I put on the work mask and smirked at him again. “Well, she had to go. It was the price to pay for what I have now.”

His face was priceless. He definitely wasn't expecting that answer. “I hope it was worth it.”

“Oh, it was.” … I wasn't even lying.

He looked down, too horrified to hold my stare. “He'll end up hurting you, Sandy. And you know it.”

“So be it. And stop acting like you care, Kolya.”

“I've always cared about you, Sandy.”

“Well... we wouldn't be having this whole conversation about my... career choices if it wasn't for what you two did. So, there. Stop it. I have a job to take care of, and you're not helping.” I turned around and left him alone with his beer.

I was fighting the crowd to get back to the girls when my comms chip beeped. “I couldn't be more proud of you, Sandy.” Andrei. My words came to my mind again, and suddenly I had a flashback. Key's eyes. A hint of apprehension and a handful of determination. The same game I had played one too many times when trying to free her from myself, even if the price was my life. And then the loud bang that announced the end. Key dropping dead to the ground.

My whole world was spinning wildly, helped by the flashing lights and the deafening noise they called music. I couldn't get the image out of my head. Her eyes. The wildfire. Smothered into ashes.

And then I felt it. A hug from behind, taking my breath away. His soft whisper brought me back. “I'm here, Sandy. I'm here for you.”

I twisted around enough to reply without the whole crowd hearing me. “I had another flashback.”

“I shouldn't have said anything. But... I had to. Anyway. Better?”

I nodded, not wanting to let go. This was what I had paid the price for – what made it all worth it.

He seemed to read my mind, and hugged me tighter, turned me around like a puppet so he could look into my eyes. Despite the flashing lights, his were gleaming as a sunset sea. “Sandy, I know you know, but just in case. About what Kolya said. You don't have to do this. I've told you.”

I smiled at him. “And I've told you I want to.”

He smiled back. “That's my boy.”

Past

"We saved your life."

"How? By stealing my freedom? My mind? My identity?"

I was beyond angry. Back then I thought the price -for my life- had been too high, not realizing they were right. There was nothing left for me where I came from.

"Look," said Nikolai, in a dead serious tone "this is all we can offer. It's all we have, all we've ever had. It's clear you don't like it, but you have to be reasonable, Sandy. We can't possibly let you go."

"Well, I don't want to be part of any of this!" I screamed in rage, running for the door.

"Kid, you know it's locked." Radko pointed in a condescending voice. 

"Then open it!"

They both sighed while looking at each other. Nikolai got up from his seat and walked to me, wrapping his hands around my arms, as if to keep me from falling to the ground. "Just listen, Sandy. Life is not about what you want. It would be pretty different if it was, you know. But we gotta do what we gotta do - "

"No! I won't have anymore of that nonsense!" I interrupted him as I freed myself from his bearly hug, and started rattling the doorknob again.

He put his hand on mine. "You won't open it without the key, you know".

"Then give me the damned key!"

He pointed at the other man with his head. "Ask Radko, I don't have it."

I froze in place. Radko wouldn't give in. It's funny, I now realize how good they were at playing cops with me. Nikolai the warm-hearted one, harsh at times, but overall tried to be nice. Radko usually didn't even try. I looked at him, almost begging for the key with my eyes.

He smiled softly. "We saved your life, Sandy. The price for that, is your very self. There's no way around that. I wish things could be different, but it's not my job to decide. You heard the boss. Either you work with us, or he'll send you back to the hell you came from."

My heart dropped. I knew it was true - I thought that, anyway. Now I know they were all on the same boat, of course.

"There has to be other work I can do around here - I - I can do paperwork. Or whatever." I suggested, knowing that it wouldn't work.

He looked amused. "You know we don't have any need for a secretary, Sandy." 

"Don't be harsh on the kid, Rad. He's already having a hard time, no need to make it worse".

Radko looked at him. If a stare could kill, Nikolai would have died in that moment. "You too know what the boss said, Nik. You know it all too well. Don't test me - you know I'll do what I have to, even if it means reporting you."

Nikolai fell silent. Now I clearly see it was all scripted between them, just a lie to get to me. But back then... it all seemed too real. A nightmare you couldn't possibly escape from.

Radko got up too and walked to us. "Now, Sandy, we have work to do. For the last time. You will come with us, and I couldn't care less about your opinions on the matter. Now, let's go."

He put his hand on my shoulder while handing the key to Nikolai, who opened the door. There was no exit at all - the bare corridors from our room to Detentions offered nowhere to run and hide. Radko guided me harshly the whole time, his hand in my shoulder as an almost painful reminder that he was there, ready to make me help them no matter how. Soon, we reached Detentions area.

I had been there for a short time. It took them a whole two days 'till they showed me what my new life was about. This was about my third job, I think. First one had me locked in the bathroom, crying incessantly for hours. And the guy was a textbook traitor. And I was behind the glass all the time, with Nikolai keeping me company - and from fainting, too.

Yet, this one was the job that would break me, never to heal again. They were too damn good at their jobs, and I can now clearly see that their real target was no other than myself.

We entered the cell, a single dim bulb hanging from the ceiling. Tied to a chair, blindfolded and all, was a kid, barely my age. Radko smiled at me, handing me a knife. "He's like you, you know. Doesn't want to help. The boss sent him here. You're to convince him - or take his place".

My very soul broke as I firmly grabbed the knife. There was nothing else to do.